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In a perfect world, a bridal shower is a meaningful way to celebrate the bride, and a forum for family members, friends, and coworkers to mingle before the main event. Gifts are given to either make the lady of the hour feel pampered or to enhance her home. The food is tasteful, and planned activities (if any) are low-key and optional.

However, there are a lot of things that can complicate a bridal shower. For starters, some brides don’t actually want one. They might be mindful of expenses and don’t want their loved ones to shell out for yet another bridal event. Or they might be weary of the spotlight. Add in difficult guests, overly fussy tea sandwiches, and forced activities, and a bridal shower can fail faster than you can say, “crudités platter from Costco.”

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

I asked dozens of brides — past and present — what they secretly yearned for and what they downright detested. Taken together, here’s some sensible advice for you. If you’re planning on throwing a shower for a friend or family member, be sure to heed these words.

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